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Thread: Happy Holidays!

  1. #1
    Natarian Knight Odinsstaff's Avatar
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    I am Odin's Staff. I am either in Odin's hands or by his side.

    Default Happy Holidays!

    I realise this is perhaps a bit early, but inspiration struck, so here goes:
    Oh, standard disclaimer about this being a joke, no offence to any quarter intended, etc.

    Dear people of S7!

    It is the holiday season. Time to spread cheer and joy and love to everyone. (You can go right back to killing each other after the shopping frenzy is over.) But at this time of celebration, I wish to bring a very important thing to your attention.

    We all know Santa as the jolly old fellow with a flowing beard, a comely smile and a jolly attitude who goes around spreading cheer and joy to the kids. But this is merely a charade to lull us into a false sense of security! He is in fact EVIL!!!

    What does Santa give me every Christmas? A pen to encourage my writing hobby? A book to improve my knowledge? A PS3 like I have been asking that old fart since forever so I can play Soul Calibur IV and drool over Ivy's pixelated goodness? NO! He gives me coal! Every year, without fail, there's a lump of coal from Santa waiting for me. At first I thought he was just being nice to me and helping me out by giving me something to burn to while away the cold nights. But now I realise there is a much more sinister plot behind Santa giving me coal.

    You see, he is actually against environment! He supports traditional fuels and pollution. He is pro-draining the earth and anti-alternate fuel. He gives kids coal so he can bend them to his evil ways early. Not convinced yet? He is FAT! That is clearly a sign of gluttony. He encourages the kids who look upto him to over-consume! Still think I am just a raving lunatic? What's the colour of his costume? RED!! Red is anti-WILD, er.... I mean Green! Green is the colour of earth, of non-pollutant energy sources, of tree hugging hippies who just sit around and protest and do nothing. (Hey! That sounds like a fine job. How does one become a tree hugging hippie?)

    And the saddest part in all this conspiracy of greed and corruption and the despicable sport of puppy tossing? Grinch! Yes, Grinch is the biggest victim here. He is green. As we established, green is the colour of all that is good, pure and innocent in the world. (What do you mean puke's green too? You must be colour blind, I refuse to admit any evidence contrary to my position, so buzz off!)

    Grinch has been silently fighting Santa's evil ways and being persecuted for it. His heroism and valour is rewarded by mockery in a children's book. Is this what we really want to teach your kids? (I don't have kids of my own, thank goodness! This makes me an expert on child upbringing, BTW!) So shun the evil Santa. Embrace Grinch! Have a green Christmas!

    Happy Holidays everyone!

  2. #2
    Thorned Warrior
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    That explains so much!! Sorry, Earth .

  3. #3
    Natarian Knight
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    This is my Santa, cuz his sack of coal is ... FILTHY!!!

    There are three main tragedies in a man's world: 1) Life sucks. 2) Job sucks. 3) Wife doesn't.

  4. #4
    Thorned Warrior
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    YE GADS!! I think you are right my friend. This Santa conspiracy has been going on for centuries. All the while stripping Mother Earth of her natural resources and turning our children into round, twinkie eating little piggies. Rudolph's radioactive glowing nose is further proof of the extent Santa will go to to get what he wants.

    And speaking of children. Elves?? Little people or kidnapped kids forced to wear fake beards and plastic pointy ears?? Santa lives at the North Pole far from the everyday 9-5 pencil pushers that investigate these things. With govermental budget cuts it may never be looked into. Think of the overtime that would have to be paid just to get there!!!

    And what about the cookie fetish?? No one can eat that many. What does he do with them?? hmmmmm Is he feeding them to his child/elves to keep them under control?? Perhaps lacing them with some form of psychdelic mushrooms that make the poor little guys sing all those silly songs?? They ARE always smiling!!! Oh wait. Those are Oompa Oompas. Those guys are orange?? Orange is half red. I bet Santa is controling the Oompas too!!!!

    I think we need to alert the media to the extent that Santa has taken over our world as we know it!! Something has to be done!! Do we even have a militia to deal with these things when our bankrupt governments can't?? With Santa controlling the coal mines and the higher crime rates our economies are in shambles. We need to band together and unite. We need to .... Oh wait. American Idol is on. Never mind.

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